Deliberate authenticity, I pour Pepsi into my coffee. Since I was a child, I’ve ingested river water and only had the shits like twice. An atomic bomb could drop in my internal acids and see itself neutralise. Rolled in fields sheep inhabited, didn’t question the gritty mud. Had cats use my arms as scratching posts, nettles used my legs. Barb wire fences scar my thighs, thought I was lucky at the time.

I watched people die online and heard about it on the radio at the breakfast table twenty minutes later. My eye twitches sometimes, then it stops. It’s hard to focus. I’m young, and I forget things; I forget my birthday sometimes. Lectures play on Youtube when I sit down to write. I didn’t pay attention in school, but I would test well until I didn’t. Contact sports leave me sore in places that don’t move like they used to; I don’t tie my shoes like I used to.

Was bullied, did bully? I didn’t realise I was different to the others. Never unattended while on school computers. I have ripped up shoes and hate hats. Large mouse mat seconds as a plate; it doesn’t say it’s machine washable; I’ll update you on that later. I bought too much for my car, replaced my windscreen wipers five times last year. I purchased twelve air freshers. A simple joy of a different smell each month, ruined by opening them all the first day to see what each month will smell like. November smelt like a mouldy BLT so did December; I thought about looking under its seats by January.

Who made the rules on which side of the road I should drive on? Why is it okay to drive on the other side of the road only when I’m going much faster than the person I was behind? Self-driving cars will be awkward to overtake. Overtaking makes me anxious; I drop gears and accelerate, but my car doesn’t speed up any better—all that effort for the same product.

I get paid equally as teenagers who spend half the shift on their phones —all that effort for the same product. Work for a millionaire, befriend them as well; good people who don’t understand money, discuss money in ways I don’t understand. Offered me a service gig at one of their wild black-tie parties; I thanked them but turned it down. I thank people often for services I never intend to use. A draw is full of coupons for stores I’ll never return to; 99+ open tabs on my phone and 999+ unread emails.

My room is spotless and almost empty. My £2000 queen-size bed sits to the left of a desk I found outside the corner shop. My nine-year-old gaming computer with its worn-down graphics card and processor just got 16GBs of brand new RAM; It didn’t make a difference. I have two piles of clothes, and I smell each one when I grab my outfit for the day. The floor has always smelled like lemonade, and I don’t know why.

I am currently the most mentally sound I have been in a decade.

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